A friend of mine is apartment hunting. She’s got her weapons and her apartment hunting license. All her shots are in order and she’s ready for the grueling trek through the jungle.
She’s been combing through the ads for a few days now, made a half dozen appointments and is hoping for the best: a-spacious-in-her-price-range-with-suitable-amenities-and- preferably-all-utilities-paid apartment.
I’ve been helping her with the research. Here are some of the things that caught my attention.
Located on the 4th floor.
While the apartment might have a very nice view from there, a call to the apartment manager revealed that there is no elevator. Four floors and no elevator! If you’re a health nut with no furniture, living in one of the 4th floor apartments might be very desireable, but if you’re going to be climbing those stairs with a sofa on your shoulder and later after a hard day trying to spoon feed math to 10th graders, you might just want to sell the sofa, sleep in your car and use your apartment just as a place to pick up your mail.
Refreshing swimming pool.
To be truthful a pool that offers me the opportunity to continue being tired and worn out and leave me just as exhausted as when I jumped into it would be tolerable as long as it was wet. A dry, but refreshing pool would be okay if there were a couple nice flower boxes nearby.
Starbucks within five minutes.
In other words the neighborhood is civilized, no wild animals roaming the streets and none of those signs that say things like “Democrats not wanted here” spray painted in an elaborate script on the fences and walls. However, and apartment with a Starbucks five minutes away may not be acceptable for people such as me. It sounds like the place is just too close to the “sticks.” I would prefer an apartment with a Starbucks within three minutes. In fact, the ideal would be an apartment with a Starbucks so close I could show up in my pajamas (and if you think I misspelled that, because you wear pyjamas, then you probably paid too much for the things because they were the creation of someone like Yves Henri Donat Mathieu-Saint-Laurent; and those of us who do not sleep in our money know we prefer to wear pajamas or made-in-Italy pigiami or even Schlafanzüge, which are not to be sneezed at).
Looking for Female roommate under 30…. Please include full body foto.
The first thing that bothered me about this ad was the use of the word foto, which seemed to indicate a person who probably spends too much time text messaging friends and occasionally family. I ask you, in my most candid manner, would you want to be the roommate of a text message fanatic? Me neither!. A closer reading of the ad reveals a couple other possibilities, either of which could be quite upsetting (and by upsetting I don’t mean: about to do funny things with mice, I mean the use of phrases roughly translated as: not fit to walk the face of the earth even with membership in an exclusive exercise club). First, there is the possibility of age discrimination. Wouldn’t a woman older than 30 likely be just as good a roommate as any woman in her 20s, probably even better because she would be able to offer so much more due to her additional life experience? Second, is the likelihood of sexism. Whether “Sam” is a man or a woman, I do not need to tell you what a turn-on reading this ad would have been for me when I was in my 20s, because even as a five year old I was already being described as a boy with a vivid imagination.
Call 555-123-4567 if interested.
My active imagination pictures (or simply hears) the following conversation:
“Hello, I’m calling about the apartment you have advertised in the Acorn.”
“Yes, it does sound like a very attractive apartment.”
“Yes, the location does appear to be very desirable.”
“Well, actually, I’m calling to get the number I need to call if I’m not interested.”
